Naming Things Read online

washed Adam clean. He waved his hand and a ray of sunlight dried Adam's hair. He waved his hand and the world turned under Adam until they were in dappled shade beneath a monstrous tree, God's favorite so far. God sat on a smooth rock and picked his toenails until Adam woke up. The angels were high above them.

  Adam looked with absolute fear at God. God rustled his wings and stared back.

  "I can see you," Adam said quietly.

  "I would think so," said God.

  "Where am I?"

  "You're here."

  "I was running and things were running away from me."

  "Just a bad dream."

  Adam sat up and ran his fingers through his hair. He shook his head and flexed his muscles and picked his nose.

  "What are we doing today," Adam asked.

  "I have to teach you about a thing. Here look," God wiggled his fingers and a plant shot a thin green shoot up through the dirt, then unfurled leaves and finally puckered up a branch and blew a fruit out into an amber orb. It glowed. God wiggled his fingers again. "See that plant?"

  "Looks tasty."

  "Don't touch it. I mean it. It's really bad for you. Me and the Angels have pretty much gotten rid of all of it throughout the place but you never know. Might see it again. Just leave it alone. It's poison."

  "Sure. Hey, where's the other one with the hair?"

  "She'll be along any minute now." God flexed his wings and stared hard at Adam. Adam was rubbing his side. He looked down at a smooth pink welt. "That's new." Adam walked over by the tree and took a piss. There was a crunching sound and Eve walked under the tree. She put her hand on Adam's shoulder and giggled. Adam reached over to cup her breast in his hand but she darted out under the spreading branches to the glowing plant. She plucked the fruit.

  God flung his hand out toward her but it was too late. She ate the fruit and tossed it to Adam. "Hey this is good," Adam took a bite without even thinking then said through a mouthful of fleshy pith, "Oh wait--" He looked over at God who had his arms folded across his chest, glaring.

  Eve screamed and ran off into the weeds. Adam clapped his hand to his side and glared at God. Everything came back to him.

  "You opened me up and took her out. You keep letting us break everything. What's wrong with you?"

  The angels raced down to work everything out but before they touched the ground Adam pointed at god and said "God" and god disappeared.

  The angels swerved before Adam saw them. They hid behind the bowl of the tree. Adam raged. He pointed at the tree and said "adansonia" leaving a gaping hole in the ground. He swept his hand across the vista and said "paradise" and watched as the world around him roared and melted, roared and melted, melted and roared.

  "What did you do?" Eve asked.

  "I don't know. I suddenly knew what it was and said it and now this."

  An angel walked out of thin air toward them. He radiated benevolence but it barely kept Adam and Eve from shaking with fear.

  "Where is God?"

  "Gone!"

  "Where is paradise?"

  "We’re working on that."

  "Take us back."

  "Absolutely not."

  Eve crossed her arms. "I was beautiful. Now I'm hollow and made of holes."

  "It is only a way of looking at yourself," the Angel said. The Angel gathered them under his arms and walked with them. "You can't come back to paradise. I'm sorry but you were warned. You started naming things and now you can't stop. We had to kick you out before you really blew it for everyone."

  "It's not our fault, let us back in!"

  "It's not exactly our problem. Look, your naming of things has cut you off from it like a flaming sword. Until you fix it, you will always be on the outside."

  "How do we fix it?" Eve asked.

  "Stop naming things."

  "How do we do that?"

  The Angel looked uncomfortable. "I don't know." He faded away and Eve was left alone with Adam. They sat down in the dirt and started to forget everything right away.

  ###

  About the Author

  Bull Garlington is an author and syndicated humor columnist whose work appears in various literary magazines, including Slab, Bathhouse, and the Dead Mule School of Southern Literature. He was the humor columnist for Chicago Parenting, New York Parenting, Michiana Parent, Tulsa Parent, Birmingham Parent, and Carolina Parent. He is co-author of the popular foodie compendium, The Beat Cop’s Guide to Chicago Eats. Garlington’s features have appeared in newspapers and magazines across the nation since 1989; he won the Parenting Media Association’s Silver Award for best humor article in 2012. His book, Death by Children, was a 2013 book of the year finalist for the Midwest Publishers Association, and was named 2013 Humor Book of the Year by the prestigious Industry standard, ForeWard Reviews.

  Other books by this author

  Please visit your favorite ebook retailer to discover other short stories by Bull Garlington:

  Bullfighter

  Largemouth Bass

  Many Boats on the Night Ocean

  Reliquary

  Gone

  Jenny’s Parents Are Cool

  Out

  Birdhouse

  Lucky Jim

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